i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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