I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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