I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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