i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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