He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
