Betty ford says i'm here all night
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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