Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
