my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
