We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
