I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
