I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
