rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
