True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
