Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
