I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
