The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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