After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
