Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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