hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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