Michael Bay diarrhea
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
