rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
