she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
