Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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