I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
