I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
