I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
