Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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