Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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