I heard we made out
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
