Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
