I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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