Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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