these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
