that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize