My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
whose ass print is on the piano?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
