did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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