i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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