All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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