I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
