im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
