are you still at the devil's house?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
