Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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