Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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