I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
