Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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