um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
