quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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