I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
