Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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