he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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