I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
