This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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