I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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