just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We need to get me chipped asap
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
