Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize