If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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