i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
