i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize