hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
