Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
