so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Text me some of your sweat
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
