You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
