Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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