i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
